The Metropol "Funniest Ever Joke" contest

[rts]

What's pink and hard in the morning?

The FT crossword.

[James Martin]

David Hasselhoff walks onto a set and tells the director, "I want you to call me David Hoff."
So the director says, "OK, mate. No hassle."

[Lorns]

Mary mary quite contrary, how does your garden grow? I live in a flat you stupid prat how the fuck should i know.

[Matrix]

A young boy goes up stairs having his father has had a shower and lying naked on the bed.
The little boy enquires "Can I play with your action man?"
The father, tried from a hard days work simply grunts.

The next moment the father runs around screaming and calling for an ambulance. Before turning on the boy,
"Why? Just why?"

"Well the action man spat at me so I bit its head off"

__________
Marvin. The BBC News Hamster, have you seen him?

[Matrix]

My editors just send this.
> > Directions
> >
> > 1. Start at Edinburgh Airport.
> >
> > 2. Catch flight from Edinburgh to London Heathrow Airport.
> >
> > 3. Catch flight from London Heathrow to Dallas Fort Worth Airport.
> >
> > 4. Hire car at Dallas Fort Worth Airport.
> >
> > 5. Start going toward the "Airport Exit" on "International Parkway
> > South" follow for 0.2 miles.
> >
> > 6. Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" - follow
>
> > for 0.3 miles
> >
> > 7. Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward "North Airport
>
> > Exit" - follow for 2.9 miles
> >
> > 8. Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow for
> > 29.2 miles
> >
> > 9. Then continue on "US 287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles
> >
> > 10. "US 287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for 0.7 miles
> >
> > 11. Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" - follow for
> > 104.0 miles
> >
> > 12. "US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles
> >
> > 13. Continue to follow "US 287 north" - follow for 104.9 miles
> >
> > 14. Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas" - follow
> > for 7.8 miles
> >
> > 15. Take "Exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5
> > miles
> >
> > 16. Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" - follow for
> > 1.7 miles
> >
> > 17. Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow for 0.1
> > miles
> >
> > 18. Arrive at the centre of "Amarillo, Texas"
> >
> > Now that's the way to fucking Amarillo!!!!!!!!
> > SO CAN EVERYONE STOP SINGING IT NOW . . .!
> >
> >

[iSon]

Pregnant Irish girl phones home...
"Mam oi tink me waters hav broke"

"Oh me holy jaysus, where are ya ringin from?"

"Oim ringin from me minge to me ankles"


*BOOM BOOM*

[Purpleduck]

Two snowmen in a field. One says to the other "can you smell carrots?"

Sorry.

[Jamez]

Pregnant Irish girl phones home...
"Mam oi tink me waters hav broke"

"Oh me holy jaysus, where are ya ringin from?"

"Oim ringin from me minge to me ankles"


*BOOM BOOM*

I don't get it.

[Chris]

What did the vicar say when he saw a greenfly on his roses?

Let's spray.

[Nick Harvey]

I might have to steal one or two of these for my collection (mentioned on page one, but Rod says I can't have ANOTHER link).