Returning home from Manchester to my humble village (in which I also have the pleasure of being the only gay), I yesterday noticed the village fete was on. Featuring, amongst other things...
- Miserable dog show with arbitrary winners
- Very warm cola
- Largely irrelevant fire engine with ugly firefighters
- and the highlight of a "Trendy hip-to-the-beat" disco in the evening.
Naturally, the poor performing disco (which I attended, but only ironically you understand) ended with a drunken brawl on the dance "floor" in the marquee amongst the locals - marking the annual return to anarchy that only marriage between two ugly jealous people can really provide.
So I ask you this - does anyone else live in a vill-age, and do you have similar fetes? Is everyone quite so miserable in villages?
The Village Thread
My village back home in sunny Cheshire is lovely.
It has a green. A Fete. A village hall with a clock tower. A post office. A Rose Queen. Two churches. One vicar. Two manor houses. About 15 farms. And Ken Barlow.
On the subject of being the only gay in a village, not so long ago i found myself travelling through the depths of Wales on a rickety old train that seemed to be stopping at tiny little stations in the middle of fields. At one such station, a camp, bleachy-headed homosexualist departed the train and made for one of the surrounding 10 or so houses. I bet he gets loads of cock.
Tragedy was that he was really quite good looking.
It has a green. A Fete. A village hall with a clock tower. A post office. A Rose Queen. Two churches. One vicar. Two manor houses. About 15 farms. And Ken Barlow.
On the subject of being the only gay in a village, not so long ago i found myself travelling through the depths of Wales on a rickety old train that seemed to be stopping at tiny little stations in the middle of fields. At one such station, a camp, bleachy-headed homosexualist departed the train and made for one of the surrounding 10 or so houses. I bet he gets loads of cock.
Tragedy was that he was really quite good looking.
Perhaps this is the problem with mine. Despite not having Ken, all there is is a church and a field which calls itself a green, although not by name. We probably have farms too, that would explain the tractors I suppose.c@t wrote:It has a green. A Fete. A village hall with a clock tower. A post office. A Rose Queen. Two churches. One vicar. Two manor houses. About 15 farms. And Ken Barlow.
Maybe it's that my village is miserable in general and that's why people are angry. May we borrow Ken from you?
On the gay subject, I reckon I'm quite a lot camper back home than in Manchester. Seems a bit wasted when you compare the gay scenes but I really can't help it! How odd.
My local village also had the annual "Fun Day" the other weekend although it was less of a car boot sale this year. As usual the bizzare raffle (the drawing of tickets is announced using a man blowing down a watering can) managed to give away booze to minors and I served melted, fly infested (those horrid little corn flies) ice cream to morons and applied my retail phycology skills to making more drinks sell (people won't but a drink that is either running out or if there is a surplus, so I rotated the stock to keep the levels equal and sold far more than last year.
Of course my main job is related to rnning the stocks, mainly because I have the loudest and most commanding voice in the village and can easily order the little brats to put the bucket down from accross the green and they always obey.
The thing i miss from my old village though is the annual drunken barbecue, but I plan to go and get the barbecue we won from a casino and left at someone's house for 4 years today so it might become a feature from next year.
Of course my main job is related to rnning the stocks, mainly because I have the loudest and most commanding voice in the village and can easily order the little brats to put the bucket down from accross the green and they always obey.
The thing i miss from my old village though is the annual drunken barbecue, but I plan to go and get the barbecue we won from a casino and left at someone's house for 4 years today so it might become a feature from next year.
"He has to be larger than bacon"
Oxymoron.Sput wrote: ugly firefighters
I suspect that Agatha Christie had it right about villages in her Miss Marple books. St Mary Mead, that most traditional of English villages, was really a hotbed of sex, murder and mayhem.
I came back to my mums house in deepest Pembrokeshire last night, and it's the same old bloody thing.
Nothing ever happens here. There's no fete, there's no shop, there's no pub...
The only thing this village does have is a £50,000 bus shelter and bench (which no one uses as there's no buses!), and a rarely-used BT phonebox.
Everytime I phone home from Uni and ask "any news then?" my mum says "Nope, not really". Occasioanlly one of the residents will die or someone will prune their trees. *Yawn*
I can just see it now. One day I'll be this household name on the telly, and some chatshow host will ask me about where I grew up.
I'll say with no regret that I come from a shitty little village in west Wales, in a shitty county full of small-minded cunts with vile local dialects and an attitude of being very full of themselves. It's probably why I love the city now. I've had 20 years of living in the most boring (yet beautiful) parts of the UK, but there's only so much you can do on a beach or in one of Pembrokeshire's 3 trashy nightclubs! :roll:
Nothing ever happens here. There's no fete, there's no shop, there's no pub...
The only thing this village does have is a £50,000 bus shelter and bench (which no one uses as there's no buses!), and a rarely-used BT phonebox.
Everytime I phone home from Uni and ask "any news then?" my mum says "Nope, not really". Occasioanlly one of the residents will die or someone will prune their trees. *Yawn*
I can just see it now. One day I'll be this household name on the telly, and some chatshow host will ask me about where I grew up.
I'll say with no regret that I come from a shitty little village in west Wales, in a shitty county full of small-minded cunts with vile local dialects and an attitude of being very full of themselves. It's probably why I love the city now. I've had 20 years of living in the most boring (yet beautiful) parts of the UK, but there's only so much you can do on a beach or in one of Pembrokeshire's 3 trashy nightclubs! :roll:
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Well you can just imagine what it's like when the place isn't even beautiful to redeem it. A radioactive dump of inbred weirdos whose voices never break and all wear rough tartan duffle coats. And they all stare at everyone.Major James Setup wrote:I'll say with no regret that I come from a shitty little village in west Wales, in a shitty county full of small-minded cunts with vile local dialects and an attitude of being very full of themselves. It's probably why I love the city now. I've had 20 years of living in the most boring (yet beautiful) parts of the UK, but there's only so much you can do on a beach or in one of Pembrokeshire's 3 trashy nightclubs! :roll:
Then there are dead-end villages up in the coal fields with horses in the street and everyone is out robbing.
Seems in my experience villages are only nice in England, or anywhere there's a bit of money -- otherwise they're worse than east London.
Where I live in Warrington, the whole place is full of villages, I even live in one, as I've mentioned before I live in Stockton Heath, which in the summer has such classics as Garden Parties and Walking Days, though we're becoming more trendy as there are loads of bars, pubs, restaurants etc (We even have a Pizza Express and a Sainsbury's Local to add onto it), we went out for a drink last night and it felt more like a town centre, but safer, but it was very nice.
Though if you go deeper south in Warrington and Cheshire altogether really, there are loads of villages, a classic being the village of Lymm, though nice and posh as it is, it has festivals every other week, like Rose Queens, Walking Days, May Queen etc (I am certain there are more!)
For some reason there are loads in Cheshire, I think Lancashire has its fair share of them too.
Though if you go deeper south in Warrington and Cheshire altogether really, there are loads of villages, a classic being the village of Lymm, though nice and posh as it is, it has festivals every other week, like Rose Queens, Walking Days, May Queen etc (I am certain there are more!)
For some reason there are loads in Cheshire, I think Lancashire has its fair share of them too.
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I live in Castle Donington, shitty little village thats just popularised buy a race track and airport.
There you go.
There you go.
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I don't know my future after this weekend, and I don't want to
I don't know my future after this weekend, and I don't want to
Ahh, I was out in Warrington too last night, a place called Chicargo Rock Cafe. Quite nice place actually, only £3 to get in, bargain!nwtv2003 wrote:Where I live in Warrington, the whole place is full of villages, I even live in one, as I've mentioned before I live in Stockton Heath, which in the summer has such classics as Garden Parties and Walking Days, though we're becoming more trendy as there are loads of bars, pubs, restaurants etc (We even have a Pizza Express and a Sainsbury's Local to add onto it), we went out for a drink last night and it felt more like a town centre, but safer, but it was very nice.
Though if you go deeper south in Warrington and Cheshire altogether really, there are loads of villages, a classic being the village of Lymm, though nice and posh as it is, it has festivals every other week, like Rose Queens, Walking Days, May Queen etc (I am certain there are more!)
For some reason there are loads in Cheshire, I think Lancashire has its fair share of them too.
Anyway, on the village front, I am from a smallish villege on the out-skirts of Nottingham. It's population for many years an estimated 600 or so, but recent development has, (and I guess again) raised the population to probably near-to or exceeding 1000. My figures are probably plus or minus 250.
The village has two pubs, a post office and a Women's Institute building (used during the day as a nursary). There's also one of only six national meteorological centres (although run at less of a capacity as it used to be) and a government HGV testing-centre and a haulage company next door.
There did used to be a hall in the Village, which in previous lives was a school and a nunary I believe. However, it was destroyed at some point in the middle of the last century.
There is no "central" point in the village, but there is an annual show every August...
Ahh yes, Chicago Rock, never been in at night, but I've been in during the day and it is very nice, but it's not the first time I've heard how cheap it is.Aston wrote:Ahh, I was out in Warrington too last night, a place called Chicargo Rock Cafe. Quite nice place actually, only £3 to get in, bargain!
I had to settle for the local last night, in the village, couldn't be arsed going anywhere else.