Metropol

Two snowmen standing in a field. One say's to the other, "can you smell carrots?"

rts wrote:Two snowmen standing in a field. One say's to the other, "can you smell carrots?"

No, but I can see the Rhondda!

A text i got today.

NEWSFLASH!!

Aliens have invaded Earth and abducted all gorgeous, sexy people. Don't worry you're safe. I'm just texting to say goodbye!


Cheeky b'stard!

miss hellfire wrote:A text i got today.

NEWSFLASH!!

Aliens have invaded Earth and abducted all gorgeous, sexy people. Don't worry you're safe. I'm just texting to say goodbye!


Cheeky b'stard!

Consider that stolen as a reply to the cheeky f*cker who sent me this several months ago:

It has been reported that the birdflu virus seems to be affecting small cocks first.

I thought i'd warn you immediately.

Alarsne53 wrote:
Consider that stolen as a reply to the cheeky f*cker who sent me this several months ago:

It has been reported that the birdflu virus seems to be affecting small cocks first.

I thought i'd warn you immediately.

That has been stolen and forwarded!

2 irishmen find a mirror in the road. 1st one picks it up and says "I know the face but can't put a name to it"
The 2nd one picks it up and says " it's me you daft twat!"

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".
he woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.
She let a fart rip that rivalled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!"

man in hospital bed wearing oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. " Nurse" he mumbles " are my testicles black?"

Nurse raises gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. She takes a close look and says " There is nothig wrong with them sir".

Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly " Thanks for that, it was just wonderful but listen very, very closely and carefully...
Are- my- test- results- back?"

I'll admit I've laughed to almost every joke in this thread. Great.

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, He's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by his ears to make him come."

An Englishman, an American and an Oriental businessman are all playing golf on a nice driving range.

The Englishman is just about to tee off when he suddenly hears a vibration and then a little tinkle.
He takes something which looks like a pen out of his pocket and holds it up to his ear.
"I can't talk at the moment," he shouts, "I'm playing golf. I'll call you later".
He replaces the pen, saying, "Isn't technology amazing! The size of mobiles these days is fantastic."
The American is next to tee off, but before he does, he hears a similar vibration and tinkle.
He takes his hand and puts his thumb to his ear, and his little finger next to his mouth.
"I can't talk at the moment," he says, "I'm playing golf. I'll call you later".
He puts his hand back around the club, bragging, "Isn't technology amazing! I've had a microchip installed into my hand with a miniature speaker and microphone so I'll never have to use a phone again!"
It is next the turn of the Oriental, but suddenly, he ducks behind a bush.
The two other businessmen run after him, to find him squatted behind the bush with his pants down.
"What's wrong?" they both enquire.
The Oriental man replies, "oooh, I've got a fax coming through!"