The Metropol "Funniest Ever Joke" contest

[rts]

Can't make my mind up which to submit from my collection!

They aint called groaners for nowt, Nick

[iSon]

My joke:

'Metropol'

*Fnarr Fnarr*

[rts]

Thread closed! We have a winner.

[digiperson]

Little Tommy is sitting on the side of the road playing with something, and the local Vicar walks over to him and says 'Tommy, what are you doing?'
Tommy says: 'Playing, aint I?'
Vicar: 'Yes Tommy, but what are you playing with?'
Tommy: 'Burning acid.'
Vicar: 'Tommy! That's very dangerous, you will get hurt!'
Tommy: 'Well, you play with holy water, don't you?'
Vicar: 'Yes, but burning acid and holy water are two different things. You see, I put holy water on a lady's tummy, and she passed a baby!'
Tommy then says: 'Yeah, well I put burning acid on my dog's bolloc*s and he passed a Ferrari!'

digiperson

[Chris Turnbull]

A gentleman is a man who knows how to play the accordion... but doesn't.

That aint funny.
(Seeing as I play the accordion)

[Anonymous]

Just thought I'd drop a few in, as I haven't been around for a while!

A little boy and a little girl, both about eight years old, were playing in the sandbox. Unexpectedly, the little boy farts, causing a little sand between his legs to shift. The little girl notices, and squeals with laughter, "How'd you do that, "she asks. "Easy," he exclaimed, "I just farted." "Can I try it," she asks? "Sure," he says, "anybody can do it."
She concentrates as she strains and grunts. Suddenly, there's a huge explosion, the sides of the sandbox fly off, all the sand flies out, and the little boy is thrown 20 feet, landing up against a tree. He groggily gets to his feet, runs back to where the little girl is. He finds her laying on the ground, out cold, flat on her back, spread eagle.
Curiously, he lifts up her dress, peeks underneath, and loudly exclaims, "Just what I thought, dual exhaust."

[Anonymous]

And another.

A little girl accompanied her father to the barbershop. While her dad received a haircut, the little girl stood next to the barber chair, enjoying a snack cake.
The barber smiled at her and said, "Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on your Twinkie."
"I know," the little girl replied. "I'm gonna get tits, too."

[Anonymous]

And another.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour,the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

[babyben]

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, we're not having any of that poofter shit in our garden" she said.

[James Martin]

Funniest Metropol Joke?

Simon Luxton, surely?

[Chris Turnbull]

Funniest Metropol Joke?

Simon L?x???, surely?

DING DING DING.

WE HAVE A WINNER.