Jokes

Anonymous · Sun 01 Jul, 2007 01.36

Anyone got some good bar-room jokes? Tame or sick, funny or just wrong, be good to 'ave em.

Here's a favourite of mine,

Morris and his wife Esther went to the local air show every year,and every year Morris would say, "Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter"

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is £50 quid. And £50 quid is £50 quid".

One year when Esther and Morris went to the air show, Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."Esther replied,"Morris you know that helicopter ride is £50 quid. And £50 quid is £50 quid".

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's £50 quid." Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know £50 quid is £50 quid.......!"

Jamez · Sun 01 Jul, 2007 02.13

A muslim walks into a bar. Boom Boom!

Ronnie Rowlands · Sun 01 Jul, 2007 09.04

An American gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to an Iranian lady. He sees her Iranian passport and strikes up a conversation.

"So tell me," he says, "why does a country like Iran - with so much oil and gas - need a nuclear programme?"

The Iranian lady looks at him, a little puzzled. "That's an interesting question," she says. "But let me ask you something first."

"A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff...grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty and the horse produces muffins of dried poop.
Why do you suppose that is?"

The American guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies: "I haven't the slightest idea."

"Oh, I see," says the Iranian, "so how is it you feel qualified to discuss Iran's nuclear programme when you don't know sh*t?"

Nick Harvey · Sun 01 Jul, 2007 12.16

I'm certain none of the regulars would have expected anything other than this link as a reaction to your giving me such a wonderful opportunity.

Stuart* · Sun 01 Jul, 2007 12.18

Jamez wrote:A muslim walks into a bar. Boom Boom!

Very good

Boy asks his Mum:
"Is it wrong to have a willy?"
"No. Why do you ask?" she replies.
"Well" he responds, "Dad's sweating like fuck in the bathroom trying to pull his off!"

Anonymous · Sun 01 Jul, 2007 13.41

A slightly dodgy one with a nod to the late great Mr Manning...

A man walks into a shoe store looking for a nice pair of shoes.

An assistant asks if he can help, so the man tells the assistant he's looking for a really nice pair of shoes, a pair like nobody else would have.

The assistant leads the man to the back room, opens a draw and pulls out a pair of shoes.

She says, "These are the most unique shoes, made from human skin! They're £10,000".

The man looks at them and says they're a bit pricey.

The assistant replies, "We also have them in black for £2.99."

jrothwell97 · Sun 01 Jul, 2007 14.06

A blonde visits an optician.

"Doctor," she says, "please help me. I've been cheating on my husband."

"Well," says the optician, "I can't help with that. I'm not a marriage counsellor. Try looking in the Yellow Pages."

"OK," says the blonde, "I'll rephrase my question. Doctor, I've been seeing another man."

Stuart* · Sun 01 Jul, 2007 14.10

Is the average age of postees on this thread 4?

These are worse than the jokes you used to find on the wooden sticks on ice lollies after you'd eaten them - (I bet they are nuclear-fulled and carbon-free lolly sticks now!)

Nick Harvey · Sun 01 Jul, 2007 16.33

StuartPlymouth wrote:Is the average age of postees on this thread 4?

Having already posted once in this thread, I shall take that as a compliment.

Stuart* · Sun 01 Jul, 2007 16.41

Nick Harvey wrote:
StuartPlymouth wrote:Is the average age of postees on this thread 4?
Having already posted once in this thread, I shall take that as a compliment.

You were excluded from the calculation Nick on the basis that you are actually the "Face of Bo" and therefore trillions of years old (although not sure why you chose that face)

jrothwell97 · Sun 01 Jul, 2007 16.45

StuartPlymouth wrote:
Nick Harvey wrote:
StuartPlymouth wrote:Is the average age of postees on this thread 4?
Having already posted once in this thread, I shall take that as a compliment.
You were excluded from the calculation Nick on the basis that you are actually the "Face of Bo" and therefore trillions of years old (although not sure why you chose that face)

Does that mean that as we speak he is probably making love to an alien with a Welsh accent as part of his work for Torchwood?