Email funnies and general joke thread

[johnnyboy]

I got this email earlier which amused me and I thought I would share it with you all.

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These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice that I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
A: OK
Q: What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere

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If any of you have something you want to show the rest of us, please post.

[cdd]

Only in America!

[Johnny]

Sent this round to some people in work

[Nick Harvey]

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

That reminds me of:-

Paddy to Control Tower, may I have permission to land?

Control Tower to Paddy, can you give me your height and position?

Paddy to Control Tower, sure I'm five foot three and sat at the front.

[Anonymous]

Got some good jokes for you!

1. Bill had a friend who absolutely hated puns. Bill sent ten puns to him to see if he would laugh. Sadly, no pun in ten did.

2. Never hit a man with glasses, use your fist.

3. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A couple of stone.

I may post more when I can be bothered.

[Anonymous]

Not really a loke, but in school, we are learning about crime in Geography, we had to figure out what people did what crime. A lad said "We know he's a criminal 'coz he's back"

Another lad turned around and said "That's because they use Black and White CCTV Cameras"

[Johnny]

Not really a loke, but in school, we are learning about crime in Geography, we had to figure out what people did what crime. A lad said "We know he's a criminal 'coz he's back"

Another lad turned around and said "That's because they use Black and White CCTV Cameras"

Hmm.... Very sterotypical of the first lad

[Lorns]

This was sent to me from an ex- colleague today!

The Queen visits a hospital and goes through a ward. She see's a man wanking and says " what's wrong with him doctor?".
The doctor replies that the man has too much sperm and must do that 5 times a day.
Then she see's a nurse giving a man a blow job and asks the dotor whats wrong with him.. " Same thing" says the doctor only he's with BUPA.

[Johnny]