I die without you
Posted: Fri 19 Jun, 2009 01.11
It’s 1am and I’m still awake, the aftershow blues still taking their time to leave me alone, and yet I feel strange. There are a few things that are consuming me at the moment, and they are things that I can’t leave alone. One of those things is death (very morbid indeed). For those who didn’t know, I’ve just finished an all-too-short run of the musical ‘Rent’, a story about a group of friends, some of whom are HIV-positive, and some of whom have AIDS. The story of the show borrows heavily from ‘La Boheme’ by Puccini, yet when it first came onto the New York Theatre Workshop back in 1996, it was an almost instant success, partially due to the discussion of a taboo subject, and partially due to the wonderful, beautiful music by its unfortunately departed composer and writer, Jonathan Larson, who died the morning of the piece’s first public performance.
Performing in this musical has affected me more than I thought it ever could. It has left me with a very powerful feeling that I can’t shake off. When I first started rehearsing the show, I had very little idea what it would entail, yet now, having been through the emotional rollercoaster of Collins, the philosophy teacher, I am left with a very contemplative mind. It set me researching various things. One of which is a subject I have very little real knowledge about – HIV/AIDS.
My first stops are the usual ones – World Aids Day, the National Aids Trust, and of course, Wikipedia. But it’s not enough just to know what the disease is. In ‘Rent’, Collins and Angel visit a group called ‘Life Support’, a take on the real life group Friends In Deed in New York, where Jon Larson spent hours researching his piece. 1am being too late to walk into a support group, instead I looked on the internet for AIDS support forums. I find heartbreaking stories, such as this one:
“I am crying as I'm writing this letter to you . My close friend had HIV since 1987 and AIDS since 1993 . He had severy neuropathy in his feet and could not walk . He has battled lymphoma twice , PCP two times , crypto , MAC and many other infections during the course of his disease . His medications stopped working and he was told he was resistant to most drugs . Last week he took an overdose of percotte and died in his sleep . He was a lovely man ,a warm caring human being . He had a great sense of humor and he was kind and compassionate . His smile was beautiful . Please Please tell me he didnt go to Hell . We were taught growing up that was Gods punishment for leaving in despair and rage . Can't God overlook the final act and instead see into the heart of the person , and the love he brought to this place while he was alive? Please Help me . “
This story, however, touched me enough to write to you:
“My partner was recently taken from this earth by cancer that was somehow related to AIDS.
He had great difficulty accepting that after death there would something other than darkness and aloneness. He became incapacitated before we could speak about this fear. There were two ministers who prayed with us, and I know he was conscious during our prayers, although he was called "semi-comatose." He indicated he was pleased when one of the chaplains entered the room.
I'm now struggling with my beliefs about what happened to him after his body quit functioning. What happened to the energy? Was he aware on some level? Was his soul in the room? Was he feeling what his body was doing? Was he at peace? Was God with him?
He opened his eyes very wide the morning he died. he had not opened his eyes in 2 1/2 days prior. His eyes were so wide, he seemed to look at us, although his pupils were different in each eye and each seemed to move independent of eachother. He slowly closed his eyes after about 5 minutes. He died 2 hours later. I believe opening his eyes, he was indicating that he wanted to say good-bye, or maybe saw something so beautiful, he wanted to open his eyes. I don't know.
Looking for answers.
Please respond.”
I want your thoughts. I know there are quite a few gay men or women on this board, but sex is irrelevant to me; I want to know whether the issue affects you as much as it seems to affect me now.
Finally, I’d like to leave you with an excerpt from the film version of the show. It’s a song called ‘Without You’, and I defy you not to be moved by it.
J x
Performing in this musical has affected me more than I thought it ever could. It has left me with a very powerful feeling that I can’t shake off. When I first started rehearsing the show, I had very little idea what it would entail, yet now, having been through the emotional rollercoaster of Collins, the philosophy teacher, I am left with a very contemplative mind. It set me researching various things. One of which is a subject I have very little real knowledge about – HIV/AIDS.
My first stops are the usual ones – World Aids Day, the National Aids Trust, and of course, Wikipedia. But it’s not enough just to know what the disease is. In ‘Rent’, Collins and Angel visit a group called ‘Life Support’, a take on the real life group Friends In Deed in New York, where Jon Larson spent hours researching his piece. 1am being too late to walk into a support group, instead I looked on the internet for AIDS support forums. I find heartbreaking stories, such as this one:
“I am crying as I'm writing this letter to you . My close friend had HIV since 1987 and AIDS since 1993 . He had severy neuropathy in his feet and could not walk . He has battled lymphoma twice , PCP two times , crypto , MAC and many other infections during the course of his disease . His medications stopped working and he was told he was resistant to most drugs . Last week he took an overdose of percotte and died in his sleep . He was a lovely man ,a warm caring human being . He had a great sense of humor and he was kind and compassionate . His smile was beautiful . Please Please tell me he didnt go to Hell . We were taught growing up that was Gods punishment for leaving in despair and rage . Can't God overlook the final act and instead see into the heart of the person , and the love he brought to this place while he was alive? Please Help me . “
This story, however, touched me enough to write to you:
“My partner was recently taken from this earth by cancer that was somehow related to AIDS.
He had great difficulty accepting that after death there would something other than darkness and aloneness. He became incapacitated before we could speak about this fear. There were two ministers who prayed with us, and I know he was conscious during our prayers, although he was called "semi-comatose." He indicated he was pleased when one of the chaplains entered the room.
I'm now struggling with my beliefs about what happened to him after his body quit functioning. What happened to the energy? Was he aware on some level? Was his soul in the room? Was he feeling what his body was doing? Was he at peace? Was God with him?
He opened his eyes very wide the morning he died. he had not opened his eyes in 2 1/2 days prior. His eyes were so wide, he seemed to look at us, although his pupils were different in each eye and each seemed to move independent of eachother. He slowly closed his eyes after about 5 minutes. He died 2 hours later. I believe opening his eyes, he was indicating that he wanted to say good-bye, or maybe saw something so beautiful, he wanted to open his eyes. I don't know.
Looking for answers.
Please respond.”
I want your thoughts. I know there are quite a few gay men or women on this board, but sex is irrelevant to me; I want to know whether the issue affects you as much as it seems to affect me now.
Finally, I’d like to leave you with an excerpt from the film version of the show. It’s a song called ‘Without You’, and I defy you not to be moved by it.
J x