Metropol

Heard this one the radio the other night:

What's the difference between a bad marksman and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit and the other can hoot but can't shit!

(obviously as it was on the radio, the last bit of the punchline was not read out!)

So, go on... tell us your funniest jokes!

Oh, and no Christmas cracker jokes please... unless they're unbelievably funny!

It's funnier if you only say "One can shoot but can't hit..."

Let the audience do the rest in their head.

That's comedy!

Gavin Scott wrote:That's comedy!

Indeed, in 1764

Roses are red, lemons are sour, open your legs and give me an hour.

What's the best thing for water on the brain? A tap on the head.

Caller: Do you do takeaway?
Pizza Shop: Yes we do.
Caller: What's 21 - 6?


Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? At the bottom.

I predict the next people to post in this thread will be Nodnirg Kram, who, thankfully, will not quote my original post; followed by Rob.

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea.
When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
"A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"

Whats the difference between the manager of barclays having a fight and the editor of the
guardian having a conversation?

Ones a waring banker the other ones a boring wa*ker

Change name to whoever

Godfather wrote:Whats the difference between the manager of barclays having a fight and the editor of the
guardian having a conversation?

Why did you put that in bold? Is it because you're a boring wanker too?

Godfather wrote:Whats the difference between the manager of barclays having a fight and the editor of the
guardian having a conversation?

Ones a waring banker the other ones a boring wa*ker

Change name to whoever

yawn... that was crap.

Sput wrote:

Godfather wrote:Whats the difference between the manager of barclays having a fight and the editor of the
guardian having a conversation?

Why did you put that in bold? Is it because you're a boring wanker too?

Don't say that Sput, or he'll sue you. Chief inspector Burgess will not be pleased.


The latest poll taken by the Governor of California yielded results on whether or not people who live in California think illegal immigration is a serious problem:

a) 41% of the respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."

b) 59% of the respondents answered: "No, es un problema."

Man walks into a pub. He goes to the bar and says in a harsh raspy voice: "Whisssskeeeey...." The landlord gives him a whiskey and says "Are you OK mate? Whats up with your voice?" The man points to his throat and says "Bullet.....Falklands......" The landlord is impressed and says "Mate, we all appreciate what you did out there back then, so any drink you want in this pub tonight is on the house, completely free."

The man smiles and replies "Muchos gracias senor."

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Why is a policeman with a speed camera like going down on a woman?
Cos the cunt is hiding behind a bush.

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An British man, a Frenchman and a Rastafarian are sitting in the waiting room of a maternity hospital. All of their wives are giving birth at the same time. The duty nurse comes out and says "Gentleman, I'm afraid there's been a problem...we've mixed the babies up by accident...I think one of you had better come through and see if you can identify your baby." The British guy goes through and comes out with a black baby. The Rasta says "eh man I think you got ma babba there." The British guy replies "Nah, it's my baby." The Rasta replies: "but you're white...that baby's black..." The British guy replies: "Put it this way...one of those white kids is French, I'm not taking the chance."

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