Metropol

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said 'Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said 'No, I've got china in my hand.'

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said,'You've got cholera.'

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work?? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar'. I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'

I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I take out The Elephant Man?' He said, 'He's not your type.' I said 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

Not a joke as such, but...

Woman's POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
pray he's gainfully employed,
And,when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a golf course.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit

I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

What's black and white and red? Rudolph the Red-Nosed Penguin

A woman went to the doctor and said "Doctor I've got a problem...I've got three vaginas." He said "let's have a look" and yes indeed she did have three vaginas, all in a row. "What can you do about it?" she asked. He said "Well we got this new thing called Liquid Skin we can use to cover two of them up," he said. "What will that do?" she asked. "Well," he replied, "it'll stop you getting fucked left, right and centre."

Two blondes walked into a doctor's surgery. You'd have thought one of them would have seen it.

A man walked into a bar and ordered a whiskey.
"Scotch?" asked the landlord.
"No, I'm from Cardiff" the man replied.

How many yuppies does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three - one to get the chair, one to call an electrician, and one to pour the Gin and Tonics.

Three men are riding through the desert on a camel when the camel dies. Realising they will be stuck in the desert overnight with no food, they decide to eat the camel.
The first man said "I support Liverpool, so I'll eat the liver."
The second man said "I support Hearts, so I'll eat the heart."
The third man said "I support Arsenal....but I'm not hungry."

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are driving through the desert in a car when it breaks down. They decide to walk on to the next village, each taking a bit of the car to keep him cool.
The Englishman takes the water from the radiators to splash on himself to keep cool.
The Scotsman takes some of the fabric from the seats to make himself a headscarf to shade himself from the sun.
The Irishman takes the car door so that if he gets hot he can wind the window down.

Two gay guys in a pub are talking when one says "I don't half fancy a bit." The other guy says "well I would but I dont have any lube with me." The first guy says "Well why don't we order a ham roll from the bar and use the butter from the roll?" The second guy says "That's a good idea." So they order the roll, slip it under a coat and pop into the loo. A guy on a nearby table is a bit pissed off with this and tells the landlord. The landlord goes into the loo and hears quiet sobbing and a strange hissing noise coming from the cubicle. He climbs onto the loo next door and looks over. One of the guys is leaning over the loo, bright red with tears rolling down his face, the other is blowing up his arse. The landlord is bemused. "What the hell is going on?" he asks. The guy stops blowing and says "It's not my fault...I didn't know the ham had mustard on it."


A man dies young after a particularly vigourous night of sex with his missus and is sent to the funeral home before his funeral. A couple of days later the funeral home phone his widow and say they're having trouble getting the coffin closed as he died with a smile on his face and a fun sized mars bar in his pocket. The widow says "no problem...cut it off, and stick it up his bum out the way." They do this and a couple of days later at the open-casket wake, the widow walks past her late husband's body and notices a small tear in his eye. She leans over and whispers "Told you it hurt you bastard."

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to
the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the
lady "Do you have a vagina".

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man
and he asks the same question of the woman "Do you have a vagina". She
slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has
happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving
and concerned voice "Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in
case this guy shows up again".

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the
door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice "Honey, I'm
going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I
want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is
going with it". She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same
question.
"Do you have vagina".......

"Yes" she says......

The man replies.. "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my
wife's alone and start using yours ?"

John meet Dave in a bar.
John : What happen to you, Dave? Why look so unhappy?
Dave : It's all about three days ago...
John : What happen?
Dave : It's my birthday. My secretary date my out for a dinner. After finish our dinner, she ask me to drive her home.
John : That's good, have she invited you to her house?
Dave : Yes, and she ask me to stay at the living room, and wait for her to come out. After awhile, she come out, with my wife, my parent and my friend, singing birthday song and have a birthday cake in their hand.
John : That good, but why you look so unhappy?
Dave : The bad thing is, when thay come out, I lying on the sofa... NAKED...

Two men are in a bar and strike up a conversation.

Man 1: I served in the RUC.
Man 2: That's a coincidence, so did I.
Man 1: Really? What school did you go to?
Man 2: St Francis... You?
Man 1: I went to St Francis too! Where do you live?
Man 2: Marchioness Street. You?
Man 1: I live on Marchioness Street too!

A man further down the bar has heard all this and turned to the landlord. "Isn't it weird?" he remarks. "Those two blokes have been doing the same things all their lives and they've only just met."

"I wouldn't be surprised mate," said the landlord. "The O'Reilly twins are just pissed again."

Alexia wrote: "The O'Reilly twins are just pissed again."

I've been living the life O'Reilly for the last 10days. I nicked her credit card... < boom! boom!>

Did you hear about the guy who had a scrotum that weighed 100lbs?

He was half nuts.