Metropol

Cries of super, great, smashing can be heard all over south Yorkshire as people from Sheffield and Rotherham can finally use that fucking speedboat they won on Bullseye.


A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend, "you won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything."

His friend replies, "That's great! Did you get a blow job?"

"No, I never found her head."

A man walks into a fishmonger's and asks, "Do you have any cod, please?"

"No," says the fishmonger, "we're all out for this week."

Twenty minutes later the man walks back into the fishmonger's and asks, "Have you got any cod, please?"

The fishmonger says "I've already told you. We've not got any."

Twenty minutes later, the fishmonger sees the man walk, yet again, into his shop, and ask, "Have you got any cod, please?"

"How do you spell 'cod'?" says the fishmonger.

"C.O.D." says the man.

"You stupid cretin," says the fishmonger, "it's spelt C.O.F.D."

"There's no 'F' in 'cod'!" shouts the man.

"Precisely!" says the fishmonger, "now 'F' off!"

~~~~~

A policeman is patrolling some dark alleys at twelve minutes to midnight, and sees a car with its courtesy lights on and two sillhouetted figures within.

He goes over and sees a young man and a young woman, both completely naked, sitting in the car. The man is reading a games magazine. The woman is knitting.

"Excuse me," says the policeman, "what exactly are you doing?"

"Well, sir," says the man, "I'm reading a magazine."

"And your lady friend..." says the policeman, "what exactly is she doing?"

"I do believe my girlfriend is knitting."

The policeman thinks, "nothing promiscuous is going on! Hmm... perhaps they're from the nudist colony. I'll ask there."

The next day, the policeman sees the man (fully clothed) in the street and confronts him.

"Oi! You! I asked at the nudist colony about you. They say they've never heard of you. What exactly were you doing?"

The man taps his nose.

"What's that you've got in your hands?" says the policeman.

"Ah. That's my girlfriend's eighteenth birthday present."

One from last night's Lenny's Britain on BBC1...

A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman if he has any double-entendres.

So the barman gave her one.

jrothwell97 wrote:One from last night's Lenny's Britain on BBC1...

A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman if he has any double-entendres.

So the barman gave her one.

Ah, Lenny Henry - always one to straddle the cutting edge of comedy.

lukey wrote:

jrothwell97 wrote:One from last night's Lenny's Britain on BBC1...
A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman if he has any double-entendres.
So the barman gave her one.

Ah, Lenny Henry - always one to straddle the cutting edge of comedy.

I thought that programme had been moved to a well-deserved graveyard slot after terrible ratings. Obviously not, I accidentally turned onto it just before 10pm last night - awful, just from what I saw!

StuartPlymouth wrote:

lukey wrote:

jrothwell97 wrote:One from last night's Lenny's Britain on BBC1...
A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman if he has any double-entendres.
So the barman gave her one.

Ah, Lenny Henry - always one to straddle the cutting edge of comedy.

I thought that programme had been moved to a well-deserved graveyard slot after terrible ratings. Obviously not, I accidentally turned onto it just before 10pm last night - awful, just from what I saw!

I've had "URGENT - FREE AUDIENCE TICKETS FOR LENNY HENRY" emails offering me seats in town halls and theatres the length of the country.

They can't give them away.

How ironic.

Night before the smoking ban, and two niggers feel the need to light up in Glasgow Airport!

...

What do you say to a suited Chav?

"Will the defendant please rise?"

Ron Owen wrote:How ironic.

Night before the smoking ban, and two niggers feel the need to light up in Glasgow Airport!

The smoking ban was already in place in Glasgow.

all new Phil wrote:

Ron Owen wrote:How ironic.

Night before the smoking ban, and two niggers feel the need to light up in Glasgow Airport!

The smoking ban was already in place in Glasgow.

I didn't come up with that I should point out!



.....

What do you call 25 Chavs all machine-gunned down in the local McDonald's?

A good start.

Ron Owen wrote:

all new Phil wrote:

Ron Owen wrote:How ironic.

Night before the smoking ban, and two niggers feel the need to light up in Glasgow Airport!

The smoking ban was already in place in Glasgow.

I didn't come up with that I should point out!

Then why on Earth did you post it? It wasn't remotely funny (which is true of all racism).

And I'll play your silly chav jokes game.

What do you call a chav in the bottom drawer of a locked filing cabinet in the pan of a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying Beware of the Leopard?

Sorted.

Ron Owen wrote:How ironic.

Night before the smoking ban, and two niggers feel the need to light up in Glasgow Airport!

A classic James Martin 'joke' if ever there was one.

Go to hell you FAILED radio DJ!