James Hall's Awful

[James H]

I am currently sitting on a National Express train somewhere between Newcastle and London for what feels like the 30,5542nd time this year, sitting, as my Facebook status indicates, opposite two women who are probably over the age of 10,000, both of whom have their Daily Mails in their hand, both of them spouting the same outraged nonsense. The journey, I believe, will pass slower than a stool after Bran Flakes, however it got off to a truly awful start.

They boarded at York and one of the first things the whiter of the two said was, "Would you please take your feet off the seats?" to the pretty girl sitting next to me now wearing unmarked flip flops (I had slouched in their seats opposite mine and the girl's on the table, as they didn't board until an hour into the journey). She duly did, and then Amanda Platell's great great great great grandmother then proceeded to make a comedy mime out of dusting off her trousers. Such was the wonder of her comic performance, she would have put Charlie Chaplin out of business. And I have a feeling she was around before his time.

They then proceeded to moan and whinge about the state of the train. Now, I've done Newcastle to London almost every week for the past few months, and have done it many times over my considerably shorter (well, compared to the handbags-for-faces sitting opposite me) lifetime, and I have seldom encountered a problem with GNER or National Express. I am about to list their complaints (since I have about five hours on my hands) and would like to see whether any of my readers agree with them.

Complaint the First: There's no space anymore
Over the past ten or so years, passenger numbers seem to have done a sort of quadrupling - despite whatever figures come out - and thus the capacity of East Coast trains for seated passengers has, understandably, been increased. The coaches are now fairly high density, but this has never caused me a problem. Yet this one was a real bugbear for the Gruesome Twosome. "No, I'm not very impressed at all," the blonder of the two lamented, "there's not much space at all". I am sitting in a full coach, in a table of four, my fellow youngster with her laptop out and Pitt the Elder's surrogate mums reading their Daily Heils. My laptop is roughly the size of Calcutta, so I would say it's fair to describe the space on these trains as adequate.

Complaint the Second: The luggage space is all gone
I've brought a mid size cabin bag with me as I'm only staying overnight, which rests comfortably in the overhead racks. Whenever I bring another case or larger items down, I put them in the luggage racks at the end. Despite the fact that I helped Grizzly Granny with her case to put it onto the racks, they still seemed to pack everything bar their sheltered accommodation's easy-access bathroom sink into the plethora of bags they seemed to trail. She also complained that there is barely enough space to drag your case along the aisle (which, one would assume, due to the downsizing of the seats has actually increased). There are a number of solutions: the first is to pack less - leave some of that heart medication behind, ladies; the second is to leave your luggage, if it is larger than the av-er-age bag, in the racks at the end of the coach, which are still within your sights (and you should see the size of these lenses); the third is to use the guard van if there are truly outsanding spectacles of Hubble-view standard; and the fourth is to not travel on my train. Then I wouldn't end up writing 500 words on bags. Arses.

Complaint the Third: The food's shit (well... I'd imagine...)
Now I must clarify they haven't complained about this yet (although they gave the refreshment trolley operative a look of death when he winded his way past, the man with a mustache that would put Zebedee to shame) but I feel I must have my say. Food on trains is never amazing, as with any travel food - airline food in standard accommodation being some of the worst. Today is the first time, however, that I have dared to venture outside the realms of paninis and sandwiches onboard, and I opted for the *Morning Breakfast*. A bargain at £3.99, which led me to believe it would be one of these little polystyrene things with some plastic sausage and a bit of mouldy egg that tastes like feet. It wasn't. Instead, what I got was a full 12" plate of breakfast glory - 2 bits of bacon, 2 whopping sausages, 2 hash browns, black pudding, 2 small tomatoes, a bit of (albeit slightly soggy) toast, some lovely seasoned mushrooms and enough calories to last me until I compete in the Zimbabwe Olympics, currently pencilled in for summer 2024 (shortly after Mugabe eventually dies a slow, painful, embarrassing, humiliating and wonderfully universally televised death). This is culinary heaven. And I'm only sitting in standard.

Complaint the Fourth: It's never on time
National Express has again been generally good to me. As has Cross Country. As has Northern. As has South Eastern. As has South Western. As has Worst Capital Connect. As has etc. etc. etc. So where are these trains that don't run on time*? Trains can only go as fast as the line permits - if you want a quicker method of getting across or down the country, fly.
*In the Westcountry and Wales.

Complaint the Fifth and Final (because I'm getting bored now): The service is surly
The train guard, a Geordie girl, has to check about 1,000 tickets today. She has already checked 4 carriages' worth of tickets. She passes us, loosely calling out, "Any tickets from York?" and my travelling companions make their feelings quite known when she passes by, seemingly ignoring them - aside from the fact that they spent fifteen minutes scrabbling around for their tickets, which rested somewhere on top of Dick Littlejohn's fat face. A nice northern girl, although with a resonating alto voice (which, they complained, was nearly silent when she came over the PA. I heard her and I suffer from what seems to be permanent tinnitus) came back to them, checked their tickets and moved off to continue her morose day. When offered the chance to check their passes, a prize that is surpassed only by winning a dildo modelled on Keith Chegwin's member from a GMTV competition, she said, "No, you're fine" and then jogged further down the Hurtling Jock - the new name for the train before the Flying Scotsman. (Ow! My ears just popped.) Mocking her accent, the depth of her voice and the sheer fact that she was breathing, the two ladies had fun. Draw from this what you will.

Now I am sure that this may be entirely irrational and utterly comparative - "train travel isn't what it used to be" - but surely the standards haven't dropped that much? I find it hard to believe that things are so bad that you can spend an hour complaining about people complaining about trains. This is, thus, why I appeal to you, humble readers of Metropol, and all your fab kind. What do you think of trains today? Now I don't expect reviews of Tumble Tower standard (you'll notice a distinct absence of precise times from this diatribe - although its detail might be seen as ever so slightly obsessive). What I do expect, however, is a fully written, wonderfully spelled, delightfully witty take on today's travel situation, on my desk before 4pm today please. Oh, and aeonsource - see me.

P.S. I do have an urge to ask crocodile skin across from me to stop talking with her mouth full, but right now I'm just happy to be alive.

This week James has been to London and back twice for less than £60 each time. James bought nothing, as he has no money. James has been singing 'How Glory Goes' from the musical Floyd Collins by Adam Guettel. James called his girlfriend for more than an hour each night, and marvelled at the wonders of long-distance relationships.

[Sput]

I cannot possibly do justice to this ultrafab post of yours, but wastching something about railways ages ago I remember it had footage of people making exactly the same complaints in the 50s and 60s, and things were arguably much less pleasant back then. I think it's just that when wizened old bats have to step out of their bubbles of ignorance and overly cushioned three-piece suites they are SHOCKED that they're not special, and don't get first class service when they're not in first class.

If anything, that's what the daily mail teaches its readers: that they're very important (obviously not), things aren't what they used to be (they're probably better) and this situation is everyone else's fault but theirs so sit back, grumble passive-aggressively and eventually a nice man from magic land will make everything both better and free, just like those LOVELY dvd's the mail occasionally rewards you with but you never get round to watching because they're shit, but you got them for free and feel special.

As for trains myself, I find them boring but usually okay, considering it's a nationwide system of a finite number of moving objects that can't overtake. The worst thing about them is usually the passengers, but that's public transport for you. I too hate people that complain and am acutely aware I'm complaining about complaining. Once I was on a plane, the pilot announced "we'll be landing in about 10 minutes" and had to circle the airport a couple of times waiting for a slot, during which time a woman behind me was grumbling "well it's BEEN TEN MINUTES NOW". Well, the pilot SURELY took note and insisted he be allowed to land IMMEDIATELY.

[Nick Harvey]

Wonderful, James. I love it.

Almost Comment-esque in parts!

[all new Phil]

Well said, James. If there's one thing that I *absolutely* hate, it's those people who complain about anything, usually by talking to each other in a louder than usual voice in the hope that somebody will hear and agree with them, as if they want reassurance that they aren't just moaning bastards.

Was in the waiting bit of the hospital the other day while the other half was being seen (we'd been waiting about 2 hours) when some big ugly woman started saying loudly to her daughter and partner how this was "a joke" because they'd been waiting for 15 minutes. She duly started spouting that it was the fault of "those zombies behind the reception" (because they had *obviously* done something to slow the doctors down, of course) - this all despite the fact that the waiting room was full of people who had been waiting a lot longer than her. She tried yelling at anybody who looked like they worked there to see if she could be seen quicker, which rather annoyingly seemed to work for her.

In the meantime, her poor little daughter kept on saying to her "mummy, I need to go to the toilet", to which her reply was "tough, we don't have time".

Anyway, to go back to the issue of trains, I personally have never had a problem with them. They tend to depart when they should, arrive when they should, and are generally clean and comfortable. They get a lot of unfair flack, usually from people who don't understand that, if there is a delay or problem, it is something that could not be helped.

[marksi]

James, you are now an honorary, and possibly the youngest member, of the Grumpy Old Men club.

Welcome aboard.

[Sput]

I've never met a train driver, have you ever met a train driver marksi?

[cdd]

What an excellent rant.

Whenever I have this experience, and it happens quite often since the london-oxford route is filled with moany bastards, I call somebody up (or if I'm feeling kind I pretend to) and spend a good 20 minutes loudly complimenting the brilliant and excellent service on the train/bus that I'm travelling on. Sadly by being equally passive-agressive (or passive-positive?) I haven't yet provoked anyone into engaging me in dialogue in the subject. Which is a shame, but I should probably count my blessings as they are doubtless not capable of any form of debate.

Anyway, yeah, uhh, I think trains could be better but moaning about it ain't gonna make it so. The thing we really need are line upgrades on a few key routes (like the ones I travel on!).

I do have a theory though. These ladies are members of digitalspy and soon a post will appear in its general chat section containing a duplicate of all these moans, with a bit thrown in about the "smug yuff" sitting opposite who smiled as they complained!

[Malpass93]

Wonderful stuff James, well-written and also very true. A similar thing happens when I fly to Florida (yes, by aeroplane ). Either on the plane or in the two airports, someone always seems to complain. The best ones are "this flight's taking too long", "why am I at the back?" and "this airport's really far away". :roll:

[Finn]

When are you doing your next stand-up gig, James?

I'll certainly come along.

[iSon]

Wonderful! Fantastic! Brilliant!

This one is particularly close to my heart, but I really cannot better what you've said so I won't even try.

All I will say though is that you've made my day by saying you've never had any major problems with CrossCountry. God bless you.

[cdd]

I think that's for God to decide.